Not everyone is a natural fit for our personality, needs, or outlook on life...
So, as you begin your therapy journey, don't lose heart if you don't click with the first therapist you meet or feel you aren't getting the help you need. Therapy is built entirely on the relationship between you and your therapist. Just as you wouldn't connect with every stranger on the street, you won't necessarily bond with every therapist whose office you walk into. Still, there are a few core values that any professional in this field should possess:
• 'How much personal psychotherapy have you undergone?' is a wonderful question to ask a prospective therapist.
To illustrate this, let me share an analogy from the Divine Comedy. When the great poet Dante began his journey through Hell and Purgatory, he chose a guide. He didn’t choose a scientist, a philosopher, or a high priest, but Virgil—a man who had walked through all nine circles of Hell, descended into the deepest depths of his own soul's sorrow, and found his way back to the world of the living from the very heart of it.
While psychotherapy itself is hardly comparable to the circles of Hell, the life experiences we carry or the emotional states that ultimately drive us to seek therapy can sometimes feel incredibly close to it. Now, I am not suggesting that a good psychotherapist or psychologist must have survived the exact same life-shattering events as you. Rather, I believe that alongside thorough professional training, they should be deeply committed to exploring the outer reaches of their own psyche. This enables them to walk beside you and guide you as you navigate your own inner labyrinth. Furthermore, they should have experienced the dynamic processes of a therapeutic attachment relationship firsthand, allowing them to truly understand this very unique bond from both sides.
• A healthy attachment style
Once you click with your therapist and have been attending sessions regularly, it is completely natural for a bond to form between you. Whether this attachment feels professional, friendly, or even resembles falling in love, it is absolutely vital that the therapist can remain safely and securely present for both of you, while maintaining clear, firm professional boundaries.
The client-therapist relationship is 100% client-centred and for the client's benefit. If a therapist has an anxious attachment style (a deep fear of rejection or abandonment), professional boundaries can blur, and the relationship may end up serving the therapist's own unconscious motives. On the other hand, if a therapist has an avoidant attachment style, they may remain distant and cold, which fails to create the safe, welcoming space needed to open up.
• Authenticity is the cornerstone of a trusting relationship.
A therapist's feigned warmth, excessive politeness, forced smiles, or any similar facade will only prevent you from feeling truly comfortable. A major part of therapy is becoming aware of our own masks and learning to let them go. If the mirror in front of you is cloudy and fails to offer an honest reflection, it becomes very difficult for you as the client to bring out your authentic self and show all sides of who you are. That is why genuineness, sincerity, honesty, and authenticity are the key qualities to look for when choosing a therapist.
• Empathy
The more deeply a person has looked at their own life and choices, and fully accepted their own human nature (their thoughts, feelings, actions, and body), the more genuine their empathy will be. To me, empathy is nothing less than a profound understanding of, and resonance with, the human experience. When you open a door within yourself that you have never dared open to anyone before (including yourself)—out of fear that whatever lies behind it will meet with disapproval, judgement, abandonment, or criticism—what could be more healing than revealing yourself only to be met with deep, compassionate human understanding?
In conclusion, finding the right therapist, counsellor, or psychologist can be a process that takes time. It is perfectly fine to meet with a few different practitioners before making your choice. When you find the right fit, you will never feel like you are wasting your money or your precious time.
Linda Pukk, 1 September 2024
