First story:
A man (in his 30s) who had lost all drive, struggling with substance abuse, depression and feelings of inadequacy. Whenever he started something new in life, he could only apply himself for half a day before his energy vanished completely. This would trigger a cycle lasting anywhere from days to weeks where any physical effort was virtually impossible. He was losing weight, his muscle mass was wasting away, and at one point, he mentioned that he was planning to end his life. So I asked him: "How often do you masturbate?" He replied: "At least twice a day." "How do you feel afterwards?" and he answered: "Usually, I'm so exhausted I don't have the energy to do anything."
Second story:
(A man in his 30s) Lack of drive, emotional eating, insecurity, long-term depression, shame, guilt, mental confusion, an inferiority complex and suicidal thoughts. Issues in relationships with women, sadistic sexual tendencies, infidelity, paying for sex services: massage parlours, sex workers, webcam services, visiting sex dens, and so on. He had no sense of purpose, couldn't focus on work, and found the rest of the world incredibly dull—his only interest was sex and porn. On his worst days, he could spend up to 8 hours watching different pornographic content.
Third story:
(A man in his 30s) came to see me because of depression. Beneath it lay low self-esteem, obsessive jealousy, unstable relationships, infidelity, obsessive thoughts, and finally, he admitted that the root problem was that he couldn't get an erection. "What is your relationship with porn like?" I asked. "I watch it every day," he said.
Fourth story:
(A man in his 30s) Lack of drive, cannabis addiction, gaming addiction, depression. Presenting problem: "Can't get an erection." Relationship with porn: regular.
These are just four stories, but there are tens of millions of people worldwide struggling with the exact same issue. Because this is an addictive behaviour often shrouded in shame and guilt, it is rarely talked about—and so, self-confidence quickly erodes, and the addiction deepens. It knows no age limit. EVERYONE with an internet connection and a device in their hand has access to porn. It is free, instant and universally available. We live in an era where many children have their first sexual experience by watching porn, and sometimes they never even experience real sex before being completely consumed by it. Most young people learn about sex through porn clips. In turn, pornography teaches them from an early age that sexual aggression is normal and okay, making hardcore sex a common preference among many men—and the first sexual trauma for many young women.
To understand your addiction in a broader context...
...it is worth asking yourself: "What emotional need does my addiction meet for me? What, or who, am I actually longing for?"
Dr Gabor Maté, one of the world's leading experts on addiction and the author of the bookIn the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addictionhas said that it is impossible to understand an addiction without first asking what kind of relief the person finds in their chosen substance or behaviour. "People have very empty lives," he explains. "They feel a void inside and try to fill it from the outside. You go on your mobile phone, you go on YouTube; you distract yourself from the immense discomfort of just being with yourself." He also notes that trauma lies at the core of all addictive behaviour, and that true healing can only happen through connection. How should we understand this?
Loneliness can be one of the sharpest and most painful experiences in life for someone who lacks a safe, stable core—and it can easily become reason enough to escape from reality (or even from life itself). By any means possible.
But how can such a core develop when there is no sense of community, no loved ones around, and no trust in others?
Sometimes, having just one SAFE person you can trust is enough for healing to begin.
Linda Pukk, 22 April 2024
