You know that feeling when there is something you want so desperately, but just can't have? Or even more – something you need...
How your entire world shrinks to focus only on getting it, while everything else fades into the background, forgotten. The world blurs, and all you feel is an itch deep inside that you just can't scratch. If only I could get what I want, everything would be okay again. But you can't. And so you lie awake at night, plotting ways to obtain the object of your desire, imagining how everything would change once you finally have it. The mere thought feels like opium in the silence of the night – but only for a fleeting second, before you are swept back into the helpless vortex of your mind, fantasising, dreaming, fearing, endlessly looping the same thought that leads nowhere but refuses to let you sleep. This is obsession. Some obsessions come and go; others come to stay, sometimes for decades, if we do nothing to address them.
When we get caught in this kind of vortex, gripped by obsessive thoughts, it is a sign that we have lost touch with ourselves. Our entire focus is pulled outwards. In psychology, this is known as a split, ora “split”. Carl Jung referred to this experience as the disintegration or disconnection of the human psyche. Deep down, what we are actually searching for is ourselves. We are seeking contact with our own being. To heal this, we need to go through a process of individuation—re-integrating the disconnected parts of ourselves. For instance, exploring how a sense of shame and a need for closeness might be deeply intertwined.
In her book “Understanding and Treating Chronic Shame: Healing Right-Brain Relational Trauma”, clinical psychologist Patricia A. Deyoung highlights how emotional needs left unmet by a parent or significant figure can lead us to view ourselves from a detached, third-person perspective. We start asking: “What is wrong with me that I can’t get what I need from this person? Why don’t they value me? Why don't they praise me? Why don't they hug me? Am I doing something wrong? Am I ugly? Am I bad?”
Over time, these pervasive thoughts fracture our identity into small, fragmented pieces. We reject parts of ourselves, feeling deep shame, suppressing them, or compulsively fighting against them. For example, a young woman might think, “Why doesn’t he want me? Am I fat?” and begin starving herself or working out six times a week—only to find that it doesn't make him love her. So, she searches for a new “flaw” to fix. This can solidify into a lifelong habit of endless self-improvement: “If I just fix this one thing, maybe then I’ll be loved.” In reality, the underlying shame only deepens, and—surprise, surprise—the obsession intensifies. Because these feelings are too painful to face, we will try almost anything to suppress them. In extreme cases, this manifests as cosmetic surgery, overachieving, or various addictions.
What we really need is to turn our gaze inward and find ways to meet our own emotional needs. This could mean journaling, or breathing through our emotions while incorporating physical movement and somatic awareness. It also means gently recommitting to our goals, even when focusing feels almost impossible. Integrating physical activity into our daily routine can stimulate the release of endorphins—happy hormones that do not depend on anyone or anything else. This is how emotional independence grows, bringing with it a deeper sense of self-worth and self-respect.
A therapist can help you untangle these obsessions by reflecting and exploring them with you. Together, you can use somatic and therapeutic exercises to access the underlying feelings, limiting beliefs, or deep-rooted tension held within your body.
Linda Pukk 25 March 2025
